Happy Monday, everyone!
Today award-winning author and My Book Therapy therapist Rachel Hauck provides feedback to our blog contest winner, who as we mentioned last week, asked to remain anonymous. (Yes, this is a real person, I promise!) Read through the scene and then see what you can glean from Rachel's comments (in blue) on how to improve the scene:
She hated funerals. Great opening. Simple. We see immediately part of her, and what’s going on in this first scene. And we relate. We all hate funerals.
But she supposed there weren’t many people who actually liked them. Except maybe undertakers and casket makers. She looked at Mr. Parisi’s casket. It was simple and straightforward- just like him. She wondered where he would be buried since the Saratoga Springs Community Church had no cemetery nearby. Maybe he would be buried in the municipal cemetery across from the high school. Or maybe he would be cremated and his ashes spread on the back lawn of the Schuyler Inn. She could see that more than she could see him spending eternity in a cold, impersonal cemetery - the Inn was not only his business, it was his home. She caught a tear with her damp, wrinkled tissue. She just couldn’t imagine what the Inn was going to be like without Mr. Parisi. He was the heart and soul of the place; how would she run it without him.
Bam! ß Don’t do sound effects. We can “hear” the doors ourselves. The door at the back of the church slammed against the wall. Everyone ß I understand this but the word more or less moves us to “third person plural.” Since we are new to Stella, have Stella turn to the back “along with the other mourners” to see the back of the church. Also, where is Stella in the room? Near the front? In the back? Give us a sense of time and place. Since you opened with deep POV, which I liked, we now need some senses. Sight, sound, smells. Time of day? Location? Like: “The Louisiana sun burned the lights from the stained glass window into the sanctuary, painting the air with rainbow colors. Stella licked her lips. July was hot in the bayou.” turned at once to see a homeless man, or at least he looked homeless to Stella, standing in the doorway squinting at the mourners and swaying a little. The swaying seemed to propel him forward and he stumbled down the aisle until he finally fell into a seat in the front row next to Mr. Parisi’s daughter. She glared at him but didn’t tell him to move or go away. The pastor looked from Jenny Parisi good, just need a few more lines to set the scene. Like: The pastor stopped his eulogy and looked at Mr. Parisi’s widow, Jenny, then down the long stone aisle to the man in the back. Something… let us “hear” the message, see his movements. to the homeless man, cleared his throat and continued.
Stella was sandwiched in-between Mr. Viccerio and Mrs. McNamara who were both craning their necks to see who had just crashed the funeral. Good, but move it up to the second graph when you introduce her environment.
“Can you see anything?” said Mr. Viccerio in a loud whisper. I like this but it feels a bit abrupt. They can’t see to the back? Neither can Stella? How big is the sanctuary? How many people are there. That’s be good to give us. Over all, bump up your story world here in the opening.
“No, Charlie’s huge head is blocking my view,” said Mrs. McNamara.
Charlie Miller, who owned an auto body shop, and whose neck had the same circumference as his massive biceps, turned around and glared.
Mrs. McNamara waved her hand for Charlie to move to the left. He grumbled but leaned ever so slightly to the left.
“Can you see now?” asked Mr. Viccerio.
“Oh my word,” Mrs. McNamara said slowly, settling back down into the pew.
“What? Who is it?”
“It’s Rob.” Good!!
“Are you sure? That guy looks like five miles of bad road.” LOL
“I’m sure,” Mrs. McNamara nodded. “Did you see his eyes? They’re a dead giveaway.”
“Rob’s eye color is bloodshot?” I’d delete this. Let the reader wonder about his eyes. Or let us see his eyes from Stella’s pov.
Stella moved forward on the pew and looked around Charlie’s head to see if she could get a look at the homeless man. All she could see was his shaggy brown hair sticking up in places, matted down in others, and a large stain on one of the shoulders of his jacket. It didn’t look like the Rob Parisi she knew; the Rob Parisi that had left their small town and become a sitcom sensation at seventeen, the Rob Parisi that lived in a mansion in LA, dated models, and was ‘the sexiest man alive’, the Rob Parisi that left and never looked back.
So she knows him? Cool. But we need a lot more reaction. She says “homeless man” as if she doesn’t know who Rob is. Give us more of her reaction to him.
Rob? What? No one had heard from him in years. The sitcom sensation at age seventeen? Who left town like it was a bad stink on his shoes?
The boy she’d loves since third grade?
“He has really let himself go since he was on So Far, So Good,” mused Mrs. McNamara.
Stella could feel herself blush – embarrassed at the memory of her teenaged obsession with Rob’s show. And of the fact that she still had SFSG marathons – sometimes polishing off the whole DVD set in one weekend.
“Well, none of us has seen him in person in eleven years, so I don’t know how you can be so sure,” Stella whispered back..
“Oh, that’s him all right. I just wonder why he’s here.”
“His grandfather died,” said Mr. Viccerio.
“Well yes,” Mrs. McNamara rolled her eyes, “but his timing kind of stinks. Guy would have given anything for him to have visited while he was alive. He loved that boy, even though Rob didn’t give two licks about him. Makes me wonder what he’s up to.”
“Shhhh,” Stella said as the pastor asked them all to bow their heads in prayer. She noticed that the Rob had already bowed his head. Then, in the silence, a soft snore rose up from the front row.
Overall Feedback from MBT Therapist Rachel Hauck:
Good!! I love this. Great set up. I’m intrigued by this Rob guy and Stella. I just need more of her world, more of her heart. You’re writing is good and clean, readable, but you’re hesitating to give us deep POV and emotion on Stella. Let go, “show” us her emotion. Like: Her breath caught when she saw Rob inching down the aisle, like a lost, lost soul. In all her life, she’d never, ever imagine the golden boy of town …
Make sense? Since she knows him, don’t call him homeless man. He’s Rob. Make this personal to her. How would YOU feel if you were Stella and Rob walked in?
Good pacing!
Good wording and word painting though if you give more story world, that will improve to a stellar point.
Keep writing!! This story has promise.
So what did you learn by reading through Rachel's book therapy?
Thank you to everyone who participated in the contest. And a special thank you to Rachel for providing her expertise and doing "scene therapy" for our winner.